The 3 L's of Parenting

Over the course of earning my degree in Marriage and Family Studies, I have come to learn a lot about different parenting styles. Which of these styles is best is still up for debate by many, but of the differing styles (authoritative, authoritarian, and permissive), there is only one style that  truly aligns with that of our Father in Heaven's, and that is authoritative parenting.

Essentially, authoritative parenting "fosters a positive emotional connection with children, provides for regulation that places fair and consistent limits on child behavior, and allows for reasonable child autonomy in decision making" (Hawkins, pg. 108). In many ways, that sounds like our Father in Heaven's parenting style, doesn't it? There is a lot that could be said and shared when it comes to authoritative parenting, but I want to focus on what I like to call "The 3 L's of Parenting."

For each of these 3 L's, I want to briefly share what they are, and a way in which I have seen each practiced by my parents in my own life.

Love

Love seems pretty self explanatory, but I like the additional insight from President Brigham Young on what it means: "kind looks, kind actions, kind words, and a lovely, holy deportment toward [children] will bind [them] to us with bands that cannot easily be broken; while abuse and unkindness will drive them from us."

Love creates strong bonds between parents and their children, and when a child truly feels loved, that love is reciprocated. I have been fortunate enough to have had countless experiences of feeling loved by my parents, and in turn, loving them. Whether it be through my father playing catch with me, my mother patiently helping me with my homework, or just taking the time to talk with me, their actions and words projected love.

But is this love enough?

Limits

There is a lot more that goes into love than what is covered above. Believe it or not, a great way for a parent to show their child they love them is by providing limits, which is also often referred to as regulations. When parents set limits, they find ways to help their children learn how to regulate their own behavior, and that is no easy task (Hawkins, pg. 109)!

It's important that children know what their limits and regulations are, that they are set out of love and for the good of the child, and that parents follow through on the consequences when a child is obedient, or disobedient to the given guidelines and rules.

One of the best ways my parents helped me understand this was by incorporating gospel principles. They would often ask me why Heavenly Father gave us commandments, and I would excitedly reply that it was to "help us" and "bless us."  The same can be said for our earthly parents. They may not be perfect, but they provide rules, blessings, and punishments because they want what is best for us and love us, and my parents helped me understand that.

Authoritative parents strive to reason with, and guide their children. They have a goal to teach, and help their children understand principles of the gospel. As President Boyd K. Packer once said: "True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior. The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior." 

But are parents really supposed to "rule over" their children? No! And that is where the third "L" comes in.

Latitude

Latitude is often referred to as autonomy in authoritative parenting, and autonomy is basically a way of saying that parents should provide their children with choices, and grant them the ability to make their own decisions with the limits provided.

For example, when I was a kid my mother would often give me options of things to choose, but there were still limits placed. If we were at a restaurant, my mother wouldn't just say "get whatever you want," or "you can only have the chicken nuggets." Rather, she would simply ask me "do you want the chicken nuggets, or a cheeseburger?" She was still granting me the opportunity to choose, but it was between the two different items of food.

Of course, a decision between chicken nuggets and a cheeseburger may not seem like it is a big deal, but the principle behind it is. So, why is it important? Because it allows a child to exercise their agency and make choices/decisions! Learning to make our own choices and decisions is so important, and parents have a heavy influence in helping their children learn how to make wise decisions.

Children need to feel like they have a say, and that their opinion matters. Parents need to teach their children with "warmth and responsiveness," and show that they respect and value their child's thoughts and decisions (Hawkins, pg. 112). A child's autonomy should be increased, as they get older and mature. Give them frequent opportunities to choose, and have your teachings be centered in the gospel. And as you begin, or continue your journey in parenting, do not forget "The 3 L's of Parenting"!