Divorce

I don't think I have ever met somebody who did not want a healthy and lasting relationship. Almost everyone I know wants a marriage that lasts, yet not everyone I know has been able to have one. The older I get, the more people I know that have been divorced, or are in the process of getting a divorce.

Divorce is a sensitive topic for many. Regardless of whether or not the decision to divorce is mutual or not, it is still a difficult and painful process, especially if children are involved. A divorce researcher once said that "for a young child, psychologically, divorce is the equivalent of lifting a hundred-pound weight over the head. Processing all the radical and unprecedented changes - loss of a parent, loss of a home, of friends - stretched immature cognitive and emotional abilities to the absolute limit and sometimes beyond that limit" (Hawkins, pg. 79).

My own mother is the daughter of divorced parents, and it had a significant impact on her growing up, just as described above. She and her siblings moved with their mother to a new state, switched to a new school, and had to adjust to a completely new life. They rarely saw their father, and their mother had to work a lot in order to support them. My mother has shared many of her experiences with me, and there were a lot of fears she had to overcome to get to where she is now in her life. The fact of the matter is, divorce is not an easy thing, and should not be taken lightly.

I'm not going to sit here at my computer and tell people whether or not they should get divorced, but I do want to share a few thoughts (Hawkins, pg. 85):

1. The Lord's standards for just divorce are high, and the decision to divorce should not be taken lightly.
2. Wisdom, humility, and effort are needed in order to repair a troubled marriage.
3. Some divorces are necessary and just (i.e. violation of marital covenants - continual abuse, infidelity, and so on).
4. When struggling in a marriage, and/or in the process of divorce, seek help and support (i.e. priesthood leaders, marriage counselors, family, and friends).
5. Personal and couple prayer is always important, especially in times of marital strife. 
6. It is important to keep the Lord and His gospel a part of your daily life.

Below is a wonderful video entitled "Marriage and Divorce," released by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints a few years ago:

While not all marriages can be saved, many could be that aren't. It is my testimony that the Lord wants us to be happy, and He wants us to be able to have an eternal marriage and family, and find joy in His plan. Even if you are divorced, that does not mean you cannot find happiness or love ever again. My grandmother may not have ever remarried, but she was able to find happiness in/through the gospel of Jesus Christ. As a child of divorce, my mother has been able to overcome the difficulties it brought, and has now been married for over thirty years, has eight children of her own, and three grandchildren. Not all relationships have to end in heartache, and happiness is not out of reach, no matter what you have done, and what you have to endure.

Recommended Resources that I have read:
"Divorce" by Elder Dallin H. Oaks, https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/04/divorce?lang=eng
Covenant Hearts, by Bruce C. Hafen.

Finding Healing in Illness and Death

Illness and death is a normal part of life. Physical death is inevitable, while illness is likely to be something we all experience, whether personally or with a loved one. I have experienced my fair share of both. A few of those experience consist of:

• The loss of multiple friends, due to different unexpected deaths (all between the ages of 17 to 26 years old).
• The passing of my niece while I was serving my mission in 2013. 
• And most recently, the passing of both of my grandmothers, not even a month apart, earlier this year, both of who died from illness rather than old age.

I would be lying if I said I didn't mourn these losses. I would be lying if I said I did not feel excruciating pain. I shed a lot of tears, and had many sleepless nights. Some hurt worse than others, but each experience still hurt. Sometimes I relive the pain, but that does not mean I cannot find healing.

Since the passing of my grandmothers is the most recent, I will focus on that experience. My paternal grandmother passed away from cancer, just weeks before I was planning on returning home for the summer. My maternal grandmother passed away just a week or so after I had returned home. I was by her bedside when she died, and the tears poured out as if they would never cease. I was very close with both of my grandmothers, and couldn't help but feel for a moment that they were lost too soon.

My Grandma and Grandpa Freeman at the hospital before her passing.

Holding my Grandmother Hansen's hand shortly before her passing.

I was sad, but I am not broken, and I want to share some of the reasons why:

• I allow myself to mourn, and think of those I have loved and lost.
• I have an understanding and testimony of the Lord's plan of salvation.
• My testimony has helped me develop an eternal perspective.
• I turn to the Savior and utilize His Atonement.

When we mourn, it more fully shows our capacity to love. Elder Russell M. Nelson once said:

"Mourning is one of the deepest expressions of pure love. It is a natural response in complete accord with divine commandments: 'Thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die' (D&C 42:45).... The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life."

To correlate what Elder Nelson has said with the Plan of Salvation and the Atonement of Jesus Christ: it is because of the Savior's love for us that He atoned for us. Love was His strength. He made the ultimate sacrifice so that we would not have to endure these hardships alone. He makes it possible for us to return to our Father in Heaven, and be united with our family and loved ones again. It is through Him that we find healing for all that we have done, and all that we have endured in this life.

With this understanding, I am able to have a more eternal perspective, and that is because I know that the pain I feel is not in vain. Rather, it is for my growth and benefit. It is because of an eternal perspective that I am able to know that I will see my loved ones again, and that I can find healing in hard times. 

In closing of this blog entry, I want to share one final quote:

"As we realize that the blessings of the Atonement extend to all of life's suffering and that the Lord truly understands our personal situations, we can more fully turn to the Savior in times of illness or death and accept His invitation: 'Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls' (Matthew 11:28-29)" (Hawkins, pg. 245).

My prayer is that you may all find the same healing I have been able to find as you turn to the Lord, and that what I have shared may be of help and/or a good reminder to you in your times of need.

The Blessings of Family Work

One of the greatest things my parents have ever done for my siblings and I was having us work together as a family. This work went far beyond the usual "clean your room." My parents always seemed to find ways for me and my siblings to work with them, and with one another. Whether it was through mundane tasks, or huge projects, the opportunities were endless. Some of the things we did included (but are not limited to):

1. Gardening/weeding
2. Mowing the lawn (depending on age)
3. Yard work
4. Cleaning the house (“spring cleaning”)
5. Washing the cars
6. Making dinner
7. Building our house together as a family

Yes, it's good that we were able to do these things, but why was family work such a blessing?

My siblings and I did not always work in perfect harmony, in fact, there were times that we would end up arguing to the point that our parents could have very easily justified discontinuing the work we did. They didn't though, and I am so grateful for that now.

As time went on (and the family work/projects continued), I came to realize that the more we worked with one another, the more harmony there was between us. We became more in sync, and were able to better serve one another and recognize each other’s needs, and that would not be the case if it were not for work. It wasn't necessarily the size of the task at hand, but rather more so about the time we spent with one another. We developed problem solving skills, communication skills, and a more genuine interest in one another.

I remember a conversation I once had with my sister while we were painting one of the bedrooms in our home. She shared some of the concerns and issues she had been dealing with in her life. We were able to have a meaningful conversation, and it provided her the opportunity to share some things she usually wouldn't disclose so easily. I pondered why she would share such things, and came to realize that it was because of the sense of bonding formed as we worked with one another side by side. I have had many experiences like this one with my sister, and as a result, I am far closer with my family.

Photos of my two youngest siblings and I, taken while painting one of the rooms in our house:

Elder Russell M. Nelson once said:

"The home is the great laboratory of love. There the raw chemicals of selfishness and greed are melded in the crucible of cooperation to yield compassionate concern and love one for another."

Work has played a significant role in my family's "laboratory of love," and I am so thankful for the blessing it has been. 

The Power of Prayer in Family Relationships

Growing up, my family has tried to keep family prayer a part of our daily routine. There have been times where we have been consistent, and other times where we have fallen out of the pattern of holding family prayer. Whenever we recognize that we have fallen out of the habit to pray daily as a family, we have made an effort to correct our actions and reestablish the habit... But why?

President Thomas S. Monson shared counsel that he had once received as a newly wed:

"Every night kneel by the side of your bed. One night, [you], offer the prayer, aloud, on bended knee. The next night, [your spouse], offer the prayer, aloud, on bended knee. I can assure you that any misunderstanding that develops during the day will vanish as you pray. You simply can't pray together and retain any but the best of feelings toward one another."

The same can be applied to the family. Family prayer is a way in which to be united as one. When my family has fallen out of the habit, we became far more likely to argue, quarrel, disagree, and hold ill feelings towards one another. However, when we consistently pray as a family, we argue, quarrel, disagree, and hold ill feelings far less. Family prayer does not make us perfect, but helps us to become better perfected, and that is because it is one of the greatest ways to keep God as a part of our family relationships. Prayer is a sanctifying power that can heal and strengthen relationships.

Below is one of my favorite Mormon Messages on prayer. Although not directed toward the family, but rather an individual, there are some great lessons that can be learned from this woman's personal experience with prayer:

In the video she shared that prayer had made her more loving, more humble, and more devoted to God. I know that prayer has helped me in all of these things as well, especially with my family, but the blessings are not limited to only those things.

Some of the greatest blessings I have experienced from family prayer are:

1. Love
2. Patience
3. Forgiveness
4. Humility
5. A deeper bond with my family
6. Greater devotion
7. An increase in Spirit
8. Happiness
9. Peace
10. Alleviated anger

"Indeed, prayer helps [families] in good times and bad times. During the good times, including God in the relationship through prayer helps people to view their [family members] through God's eyes and come to view the relationship as holy and sacred. This outlook can protect [families] from the fiery darts that the adversary throws at relationships" (Hawkins, pg. 199).

It is may testimony that prayer strengthens our relationship with our Father in Heaven, as well as with our family members. I have experienced the difference it makes in my own life, when I have and have not prayed. The Spirit cannot dwell in a place where He is not welcomed, and where there is not peace. Prayer is a way in which to invite the Spirit into our homes, and a means by which the family unit can be strengthened, and find greater peace.

Wholesome Recreational Activities

In my last blog post, I spoke about my extended family, and emphasized the importance of family as a part of our Heavenly Father's plan. Family truly is so important, so I am going to talk about family again in this entry as well! However, in this entry, I want to focus more so on my immediate family, and the importance of what "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" refers to as "wholesome recreational activities."

Recreational activities do not have to be extravagant, and although they are meant to be fun, it is important that they are also a way in which we can bond with our family members. Research studies regarding family recreation have provided evidence in how to make "wise recreational choices" (Hawkins, pg. 230).

In studies of married couples, participating in activities both partners enjoy was not necessarily as important/effective as participating in a joint- recreational activity, meaning that there are high levels of communication and interdependence. This could include something as simple as playing a game like checkers, or going on a hike.

When a couple has children however, it is important to also choose activities that help children become flexible and curious (Hawkins, pg. 231). I can think of many great examples of what this means from my own childhood. My parents had my siblings and I involved in many sports, including soccer, basketball, and baseball. As a young child, my mom was my soccer coach for a season, and my dad was my, as well as my other siblings, basketball and baseball coach for many years. Each of my parents were actively involved, and through coaching us in various sports and having my siblings and I play on teams together, we were able to bond. Our parents taught us kindness, sportsmanship, and helped us gain confidence and security.

That was not all we gained though. Research also shows that  recreational activities promotes healthy adolescent identity development (Hawkins 231), and as my siblings and I got older, my father no longer coached us, but that did not keep us from spending time together in other ways. Whether it was playing a board-game, or going camping, we made sure to make recreational activities a part of our family life, and I can personally say from experience that it definitely helped me in my identity development. I did not suffer from very many problematic behaviors, had greater confidence in myself, and was a pretty good/well-behaved teenager; I know much of that can be attributed to my family life. Of course, we were not perfect, but our time spent together made a significant difference.

There are so many different options of things our families can do when it comes to wholesome recreation. I'm not going to tell anyone what they should specifically do, but I will say that it is important to make sure that many of the activities you do with your spouse and family are interactive, and positively contribute to the family. Do things that are fun, communicative, challenging, and/or memorable.

"Just as honest toil gives rest its sweetness, wholesome recreation is the friend and steadying companion of work."  -Elder D. Todd Christofferson

Wholesome recreation has taught me not only how to have fun, but how to work hard, and work well with others. I am so grateful that my parents taught me the importance of family recreation at a young age, and my hope is to carry that on in my own family one day.

Going on an ATV ride with a some of my siblings as part of one of our family recreation activities:

The Blessings of Extended Family

At the center of our Father in Heaven plan of salvation is the family. It is not just an individual plan, but a plan meant for families, and not just immediate family. Extended family can play an important role, and we have the opportunity to be with extended family members forever as well.

We live in a world where, for many, extended family has become more prominent and important, but for many it has also become less important, and for some, practically obsolete. I feel very fortunate to be a part of a family that sees the importance of extended family.

My maternal grandmother lived with me and my immediate family for my entire life, until her passing this past May. I lived with my paternal grandparents for two years in high school, and again for a year after returning home from my mission; my aunt, uncle, and their three children lived there with us as well for a time. Growing up, my mother ran a daycare with her sister, and her three children (my cousins) were practically my siblings. It's also a tradition for my father's side of the family to go to a beach in North Carolina every single year, and we stay together as an extended family there for an entire week. My all time best friend is my cousin, who I talk with on a daily basis.

I suppose the point I am trying to make is that I spend a lot of time with my extended family, and they have played a huge role in my life, especially my grandparents. They have always been actively involved in my life. My maternal grandma was so actively involved (as mentioned earlier, she lived with my family my entire life until her passing) that she became like a second mother to me. She would take me back to school shopping, drove me to sporting events, cooked dinner for our family every night, and even dropped me off at the mall for my first date.

President Boyd K. Packer once shared that it is important to "teach our youth to draw close to [their] elderly grandpas and grandmas" (Hawkins, pg. 178), and that is something my parents have taught me continually throughout my life. My grandparents have been their for me in many ways, whether it was to offer support and give advice, or play a card game and spend time with me. Their impact has been an extremely positive one, and one I could never truly put into words.

As time has gone on, not only have they been able to help me, my parents, siblings, and other extended family members, but I have been able to assist them in return. Both of my grandmothers passed away early this year, just a few weeks apart. Neither was of old age, but of illness. As their bodies began to decay and they got sicker and sicker, they needed the help of their children and grandchildren more than ever. They taught me a deeper meaning of love, not only by loving and serving me, but teaching me how to do so, and allowing for me to do the same for them in return.

We have a responsibility to take care of one another as family units, and "despite the demands of caregiving, this labor of love also brings significant blessings" (Hawkins pg. 181). I have experienced many of those blessings in my life, and hope that others seek after opportunities to do the same. Family will always be important, and it's never too late to make them a priority.

Here is a photo of (most of) my paternal extended family on one of our yearly beach trips! :)

And a photo of me with my paternal grandparents:

Temple Covenants: A Source of Hope & Triumph

Temple covenants are a frequently discussed topic in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and although there is much that could be said regarding temple covenants, the intent of my blog post is more so to share some of the ways temple covenants have blessed me and my family.

When I was 20 years old, I went through the temple for my own endowment. I was just a few weeks shy of turning 21, and was preparing to go on a full-time mission in Oklahoma. I was happy, and excited to make further covenants with the Lord, and in many ways, had no idea what a blessing my decision would become.

It has been a few years now, and I can say that I have gone through a lot in these past few years. A lot happens in just the short time of serving a mission, but it wasn't until I returned home that my whole entire world seemed to get rocked, and trust me, it was rocked hard.

I don't want to go into details, especially since the details effect far more than just me. Instead of returning to college, I stayed home. I stayed home because my family needed me, and I knew it was the right thing to do. A lot happen during the time I spent at home. There was a lot of trial, a lot of heartache, and plenty of moments when my family didn't seem like they could take much more, myself included. Some had gone astray from the gospel, and others seemed to be barely holding on.

I remember attending the temple one morning, and before the endowment session began I asked the Lord for strength, and a way in which I could provide more hope for my family amidst our unfortunate circumstances. It was a humbling experience, and I was reminded of the importance in having an eternal perspective, and to remember the very covenants I had made that allowed me to be in the Holy House of the Lord.

There is hope in the gospel of Jesus Christ and His Atonement, which testify of the Father's plan, and gifts unto us the ability to see beyond what is physically before us. My temple covenants were a testimony of that too, for without them I could not truly understand and know the Father's plan to the extent I do. If it were not for the saving ordinances performed in the temple, I could not return to my Father in Heaven with my family.

The adversary wants us to forget these simple, yet profound truths, but through the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the saving ordinances of the temple none have to be lost, and all we go through will not be for nothing. Some of my family members still struggle and wrestle with doubt, but the truth is that we all struggle, just in different ways and in varying degrees. The Lord will always provide a way though, and He will never give up on us, or our families. He wants us to be together forever.

Every time I go to the temple I am reminded of these truths. If you are endowed, attend the temple often. If you are not, I urge you to live your life in a way so that you can go through the temple when the time is right.

"Satan's efforts to turn away the hearts of as many as possible have been intensified in these closing days of the last dispensation. However, through sacred covenants made in holy temples, God has provided a way that His promises can be realized" (Hawkins, pg. 175).

Temple covenants are a source of hope, and provide the strength and covenants needed to remain triumphant over our foes.

The LDS Washington D.C. Temple

*the original image can be found here

The 3 L's of Parenting

Over the course of earning my degree in Marriage and Family Studies, I have come to learn a lot about different parenting styles. Which of these styles is best is still up for debate by many, but of the differing styles (authoritative, authoritarian, and permissive), there is only one style that  truly aligns with that of our Father in Heaven's, and that is authoritative parenting.

Essentially, authoritative parenting "fosters a positive emotional connection with children, provides for regulation that places fair and consistent limits on child behavior, and allows for reasonable child autonomy in decision making" (Hawkins, pg. 108). In many ways, that sounds like our Father in Heaven's parenting style, doesn't it? There is a lot that could be said and shared when it comes to authoritative parenting, but I want to focus on what I like to call "The 3 L's of Parenting."

For each of these 3 L's, I want to briefly share what they are, and a way in which I have seen each practiced by my parents in my own life.

Love

Love seems pretty self explanatory, but I like the additional insight from President Brigham Young on what it means: "kind looks, kind actions, kind words, and a lovely, holy deportment toward [children] will bind [them] to us with bands that cannot easily be broken; while abuse and unkindness will drive them from us."

Love creates strong bonds between parents and their children, and when a child truly feels loved, that love is reciprocated. I have been fortunate enough to have had countless experiences of feeling loved by my parents, and in turn, loving them. Whether it be through my father playing catch with me, my mother patiently helping me with my homework, or just taking the time to talk with me, their actions and words projected love.

But is this love enough?

Limits

There is a lot more that goes into love than what is covered above. Believe it or not, a great way for a parent to show their child they love them is by providing limits, which is also often referred to as regulations. When parents set limits, they find ways to help their children learn how to regulate their own behavior, and that is no easy task (Hawkins, pg. 109)!

It's important that children know what their limits and regulations are, that they are set out of love and for the good of the child, and that parents follow through on the consequences when a child is obedient, or disobedient to the given guidelines and rules.

One of the best ways my parents helped me understand this was by incorporating gospel principles. They would often ask me why Heavenly Father gave us commandments, and I would excitedly reply that it was to "help us" and "bless us."  The same can be said for our earthly parents. They may not be perfect, but they provide rules, blessings, and punishments because they want what is best for us and love us, and my parents helped me understand that.

Authoritative parents strive to reason with, and guide their children. They have a goal to teach, and help their children understand principles of the gospel. As President Boyd K. Packer once said: "True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior. The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior." 

But are parents really supposed to "rule over" their children? No! And that is where the third "L" comes in.

Latitude

Latitude is often referred to as autonomy in authoritative parenting, and autonomy is basically a way of saying that parents should provide their children with choices, and grant them the ability to make their own decisions with the limits provided.

For example, when I was a kid my mother would often give me options of things to choose, but there were still limits placed. If we were at a restaurant, my mother wouldn't just say "get whatever you want," or "you can only have the chicken nuggets." Rather, she would simply ask me "do you want the chicken nuggets, or a cheeseburger?" She was still granting me the opportunity to choose, but it was between the two different items of food.

Of course, a decision between chicken nuggets and a cheeseburger may not seem like it is a big deal, but the principle behind it is. So, why is it important? Because it allows a child to exercise their agency and make choices/decisions! Learning to make our own choices and decisions is so important, and parents have a heavy influence in helping their children learn how to make wise decisions.

Children need to feel like they have a say, and that their opinion matters. Parents need to teach their children with "warmth and responsiveness," and show that they respect and value their child's thoughts and decisions (Hawkins, pg. 112). A child's autonomy should be increased, as they get older and mature. Give them frequent opportunities to choose, and have your teachings be centered in the gospel. And as you begin, or continue your journey in parenting, do not forget "The 3 L's of Parenting"!