In "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" it states that "marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children." It also goes on to state in a later paragraph that "the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife."
So, if it is only lawful in the eyes of the Lord for a man and woman to have children after being married, and those families being created are central to His plan, eternal marriage really must be quite important.
Some people who read this blog post may already be married, but as a young single adult, I plan on addressing other young single adults. In my last blog post I shared a few tips when it comes to dating. In this entry, I want to focus more on finding a choice eternal companion. In order to address the search for an eternal companion, let's explore come commonly asked questions: When, Who, and How?
1. When: When is it really the right time to get married?
Back in the the 1950s the average age of marriage was 20 years old for females and 22 years old for males, whereas now the average ages of first marriage are 26 years old for females and 28 years old for males (U.S. Census Bureau, 2010). Another study showed the average age of first marriage for Latter-day Saint males and females floated between those two averages - 21.6 for women who have not served a mission, 24.3 for those who have; 22.9 for men who have served missions (McClendon & Chadwick, 2005). Although each study was done a few years ago, one fact remains the same: the age of first marriage for males and females is increasing.
Based upon my experience, much of the culture of the Church in the United States emphasizes the importance of seeking an eternal companion at a young age. I began to feel pressures, from LDS family and friends, of dating and seeking an eternal companion as soon as I was 18 years old. It has always been a desire of mine to get married and have children, but yet I am just shy of turning 25 year old, and am still unmarried. Of course, there are things I have been able to do that I would never regret, like serving a full-time mission. Even then though, there was one point in my life where I began to feel that maybe it was my fault that I was not married yet, but then I learned an important principle - there is timing in all things, including marriage.
Yes, we are encouraged by our modern-day prophets and apostles to date and seek marriage at a young (adult) age, but Elder Richard G. Scott shared some great insights I think are important for us all to remember:
"Throughout your life on earth, seek diligently to fulfill the fundamental purposes of this life through the ideal family. While you may not have yet reached that ideal, do all you can though obedience and faith in the Lord to consistently draw as close to it as you are able. Let nothing dissuade you from that objective"
Marriage may not come when we expect it. It may not even come in young adulthood for some of us, but that does not mean we shouldn't do everything we can to prepare for it now. I know that in my life I have come to learn that trusting in the Lord is, in many ways, "[preparing for] every needful thing" (D&C 88:119). We must live the gospel and in accordance to His plan, and as we do so, we will be prepared, and the timing of things in our lives will be right in accordance to His perfect timing.
2. Who: Who am I to marry?
I'm sure many of us have asked that question in some way and/or at some point in our lives; perhaps even multiple times. One of the biggest issues about this question in the world is that many have come to believe that there is only one person out there for them, and that one person is their "soul mate." In fact, a national survey showed that 94% of young adults agreed that they wanted their spouse to be their soul mate, and in addition to that, 88% believed there was only one special person, or soul mate, out there for them (Whitehead & Popenoe, 2001). Do not fall for this trap!
President Spencer W. Kimball once shared a harsh truth with Latter-day Saints regarding soul mates:
"Soul mates’ are fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and playfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price."
It's important to note that soul mates are not the same thing as eternal companions. Believing in having one true soul mates limits our ability to choose and can imply a lack of agency, which is not in accordance with the Lord's Plan of Salvation. Eternal companions imply that we choose one another, which also implies agency - an essential part of the Lord's Plan of Salvation.
Of course, it is important for us to have expectations, but our expectations should be realistic. the belief of a soul mate sets unrealistic expectations, which can cause unnecessary conflict, and in many cases, break ups, separation, or divorce.
So, who are you to marry? I cannot truly tell you, but I can tell you something of importance to keep in mind: "While soul mates are found, eternal companions are chosen and made" (Hawkins). Trust in the Lord, and keep Him a part of all the decisions and choices you make.
3: How: How do I know?
Truthfully, this is the question that has probably plagued me the most in dating. There are so many people in this world, and I have gone on more dates than I can count. Many of the young men I have gone out with are great, kind, and devout members of the Church. Yes, they are wonderful, but how do I really come to know who I should marry? This wonder is not something exclusive to only me, and how we come to "know" is not exactly the same for every single person.
Many Latter-day Saints want to get married and have an eternal family, but with such a great commitment on the line, it can be hard to actually commit. We want to make sure we marry the "right" individual, and what I mean by that is that we want to make sure we make a right choice.
First, in order to get to the point of coming to choose and know, we must first date. In today's culture of dating, it is much more common to hang out, and traditional dating is beginning to fade. Elder Dallin H. Oaks has encouraged us to stop hanging out, but rather, date instead.
So, what does it mean to date? Traditional dating involves two individuals (male and female) spending one-on-one time together, getting to know one another, and having personal and meaningful conversation. There are many blessings that come from dating, including a greater understanding of ourselves, appreciation for others, and of course, marriage preparation. Our dating patterns may at one point lead to dating someone exclusively. Exclusivity can lead to engagement and eventually marriage, so it is important to take these things seriously (for more on dating, see my previous blog post on the topic).
In all honesty, I can't personally tell you how you can come to "know" because it is something I have yet to experience. However, what I do know is that we should always counsel with the Lord and keep Him a part of the entire process of seeking an eternal companion, and as a part of our daily lives. Elder Richard G. Scott once said that "you have a choice. You can wring your hands and be consumed with concern for the future or choose to use the counsel the Lord has given to live with peace and happiness."
"Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for good" (Alma 37:37).
One day, this too can be ours:
