The Blessings of Extended Family

At the center of our Father in Heaven plan of salvation is the family. It is not just an individual plan, but a plan meant for families, and not just immediate family. Extended family can play an important role, and we have the opportunity to be with extended family members forever as well.

We live in a world where, for many, extended family has become more prominent and important, but for many it has also become less important, and for some, practically obsolete. I feel very fortunate to be a part of a family that sees the importance of extended family.

My maternal grandmother lived with me and my immediate family for my entire life, until her passing this past May. I lived with my paternal grandparents for two years in high school, and again for a year after returning home from my mission; my aunt, uncle, and their three children lived there with us as well for a time. Growing up, my mother ran a daycare with her sister, and her three children (my cousins) were practically my siblings. It's also a tradition for my father's side of the family to go to a beach in North Carolina every single year, and we stay together as an extended family there for an entire week. My all time best friend is my cousin, who I talk with on a daily basis.

I suppose the point I am trying to make is that I spend a lot of time with my extended family, and they have played a huge role in my life, especially my grandparents. They have always been actively involved in my life. My maternal grandma was so actively involved (as mentioned earlier, she lived with my family my entire life until her passing) that she became like a second mother to me. She would take me back to school shopping, drove me to sporting events, cooked dinner for our family every night, and even dropped me off at the mall for my first date.

President Boyd K. Packer once shared that it is important to "teach our youth to draw close to [their] elderly grandpas and grandmas" (Hawkins, pg. 178), and that is something my parents have taught me continually throughout my life. My grandparents have been their for me in many ways, whether it was to offer support and give advice, or play a card game and spend time with me. Their impact has been an extremely positive one, and one I could never truly put into words.

As time has gone on, not only have they been able to help me, my parents, siblings, and other extended family members, but I have been able to assist them in return. Both of my grandmothers passed away early this year, just a few weeks apart. Neither was of old age, but of illness. As their bodies began to decay and they got sicker and sicker, they needed the help of their children and grandchildren more than ever. They taught me a deeper meaning of love, not only by loving and serving me, but teaching me how to do so, and allowing for me to do the same for them in return.

We have a responsibility to take care of one another as family units, and "despite the demands of caregiving, this labor of love also brings significant blessings" (Hawkins pg. 181). I have experienced many of those blessings in my life, and hope that others seek after opportunities to do the same. Family will always be important, and it's never too late to make them a priority.

Here is a photo of (most of) my paternal extended family on one of our yearly beach trips! :)

And a photo of me with my paternal grandparents:

Temple Covenants: A Source of Hope & Triumph

Temple covenants are a frequently discussed topic in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and although there is much that could be said regarding temple covenants, the intent of my blog post is more so to share some of the ways temple covenants have blessed me and my family.

When I was 20 years old, I went through the temple for my own endowment. I was just a few weeks shy of turning 21, and was preparing to go on a full-time mission in Oklahoma. I was happy, and excited to make further covenants with the Lord, and in many ways, had no idea what a blessing my decision would become.

It has been a few years now, and I can say that I have gone through a lot in these past few years. A lot happens in just the short time of serving a mission, but it wasn't until I returned home that my whole entire world seemed to get rocked, and trust me, it was rocked hard.

I don't want to go into details, especially since the details effect far more than just me. Instead of returning to college, I stayed home. I stayed home because my family needed me, and I knew it was the right thing to do. A lot happen during the time I spent at home. There was a lot of trial, a lot of heartache, and plenty of moments when my family didn't seem like they could take much more, myself included. Some had gone astray from the gospel, and others seemed to be barely holding on.

I remember attending the temple one morning, and before the endowment session began I asked the Lord for strength, and a way in which I could provide more hope for my family amidst our unfortunate circumstances. It was a humbling experience, and I was reminded of the importance in having an eternal perspective, and to remember the very covenants I had made that allowed me to be in the Holy House of the Lord.

There is hope in the gospel of Jesus Christ and His Atonement, which testify of the Father's plan, and gifts unto us the ability to see beyond what is physically before us. My temple covenants were a testimony of that too, for without them I could not truly understand and know the Father's plan to the extent I do. If it were not for the saving ordinances performed in the temple, I could not return to my Father in Heaven with my family.

The adversary wants us to forget these simple, yet profound truths, but through the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the saving ordinances of the temple none have to be lost, and all we go through will not be for nothing. Some of my family members still struggle and wrestle with doubt, but the truth is that we all struggle, just in different ways and in varying degrees. The Lord will always provide a way though, and He will never give up on us, or our families. He wants us to be together forever.

Every time I go to the temple I am reminded of these truths. If you are endowed, attend the temple often. If you are not, I urge you to live your life in a way so that you can go through the temple when the time is right.

"Satan's efforts to turn away the hearts of as many as possible have been intensified in these closing days of the last dispensation. However, through sacred covenants made in holy temples, God has provided a way that His promises can be realized" (Hawkins, pg. 175).

Temple covenants are a source of hope, and provide the strength and covenants needed to remain triumphant over our foes.

The LDS Washington D.C. Temple

*the original image can be found here

The 3 L's of Parenting

Over the course of earning my degree in Marriage and Family Studies, I have come to learn a lot about different parenting styles. Which of these styles is best is still up for debate by many, but of the differing styles (authoritative, authoritarian, and permissive), there is only one style that  truly aligns with that of our Father in Heaven's, and that is authoritative parenting.

Essentially, authoritative parenting "fosters a positive emotional connection with children, provides for regulation that places fair and consistent limits on child behavior, and allows for reasonable child autonomy in decision making" (Hawkins, pg. 108). In many ways, that sounds like our Father in Heaven's parenting style, doesn't it? There is a lot that could be said and shared when it comes to authoritative parenting, but I want to focus on what I like to call "The 3 L's of Parenting."

For each of these 3 L's, I want to briefly share what they are, and a way in which I have seen each practiced by my parents in my own life.

Love

Love seems pretty self explanatory, but I like the additional insight from President Brigham Young on what it means: "kind looks, kind actions, kind words, and a lovely, holy deportment toward [children] will bind [them] to us with bands that cannot easily be broken; while abuse and unkindness will drive them from us."

Love creates strong bonds between parents and their children, and when a child truly feels loved, that love is reciprocated. I have been fortunate enough to have had countless experiences of feeling loved by my parents, and in turn, loving them. Whether it be through my father playing catch with me, my mother patiently helping me with my homework, or just taking the time to talk with me, their actions and words projected love.

But is this love enough?

Limits

There is a lot more that goes into love than what is covered above. Believe it or not, a great way for a parent to show their child they love them is by providing limits, which is also often referred to as regulations. When parents set limits, they find ways to help their children learn how to regulate their own behavior, and that is no easy task (Hawkins, pg. 109)!

It's important that children know what their limits and regulations are, that they are set out of love and for the good of the child, and that parents follow through on the consequences when a child is obedient, or disobedient to the given guidelines and rules.

One of the best ways my parents helped me understand this was by incorporating gospel principles. They would often ask me why Heavenly Father gave us commandments, and I would excitedly reply that it was to "help us" and "bless us."  The same can be said for our earthly parents. They may not be perfect, but they provide rules, blessings, and punishments because they want what is best for us and love us, and my parents helped me understand that.

Authoritative parents strive to reason with, and guide their children. They have a goal to teach, and help their children understand principles of the gospel. As President Boyd K. Packer once said: "True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior. The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior." 

But are parents really supposed to "rule over" their children? No! And that is where the third "L" comes in.

Latitude

Latitude is often referred to as autonomy in authoritative parenting, and autonomy is basically a way of saying that parents should provide their children with choices, and grant them the ability to make their own decisions with the limits provided.

For example, when I was a kid my mother would often give me options of things to choose, but there were still limits placed. If we were at a restaurant, my mother wouldn't just say "get whatever you want," or "you can only have the chicken nuggets." Rather, she would simply ask me "do you want the chicken nuggets, or a cheeseburger?" She was still granting me the opportunity to choose, but it was between the two different items of food.

Of course, a decision between chicken nuggets and a cheeseburger may not seem like it is a big deal, but the principle behind it is. So, why is it important? Because it allows a child to exercise their agency and make choices/decisions! Learning to make our own choices and decisions is so important, and parents have a heavy influence in helping their children learn how to make wise decisions.

Children need to feel like they have a say, and that their opinion matters. Parents need to teach their children with "warmth and responsiveness," and show that they respect and value their child's thoughts and decisions (Hawkins, pg. 112). A child's autonomy should be increased, as they get older and mature. Give them frequent opportunities to choose, and have your teachings be centered in the gospel. And as you begin, or continue your journey in parenting, do not forget "The 3 L's of Parenting"!

Seeking an Eternal Marriage

Eternal Marriage is a topic focused on a lot in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. But why?

In "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" it states that "marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children." It also goes on to state in a later paragraph that "the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife."

So, if it is only lawful in the eyes of the Lord for a man and woman to have children after being married, and those families being created are central to His plan, eternal marriage really must be quite important.

Some people who read this blog post may already be married, but as a young single adult, I plan on addressing other young single adults. In my last blog post I shared a few tips when it comes to dating. In this entry, I want to focus more on finding a choice eternal companion. In order to address the search for an eternal companion, let's explore come commonly asked questions: When, Who, and How?

1. When: When is it really the right time to get married?

Back in the the 1950s the average age of marriage was 20 years old for females and 22 years old for males, whereas now the average ages of first marriage are 26 years old for females and 28 years old for males (U.S. Census Bureau, 2010). Another study showed the average age of first marriage for Latter-day Saint males and females floated between those two averages - 21.6 for women who have not served a mission, 24.3 for those who have; 22.9 for men who have served missions (McClendon & Chadwick, 2005). Although each study was done a few years ago, one fact remains the same: the age of first marriage for males and females is increasing.

Based upon my experience, much of the culture of the Church in the United States emphasizes the importance of seeking an eternal companion at a young age. I began to feel pressures, from LDS family and friends, of dating and seeking an eternal companion as soon as I was 18 years old. It has always been a desire of mine to get married and have children, but yet I am just shy of turning 25 year old, and am still unmarried. Of course, there are things I have been able to do that I would never regret, like serving a full-time mission. Even then though, there was one point in my life where I began to feel that maybe it was my fault that I was not married yet, but then I learned an important principle - there is timing in all things, including marriage.

Yes, we are encouraged by our modern-day prophets and apostles to date and seek marriage at a young (adult) age, but Elder Richard G. Scott shared some great insights I think are important for us all to remember:

"Throughout your life on earth, seek diligently to fulfill the fundamental purposes of this life through the ideal family. While you may not have yet reached that ideal, do all you can though obedience and faith in the Lord to consistently draw as close to it as you are able. Let nothing dissuade you from that objective"

Marriage may not come when we expect it. It may not even come in young adulthood for some of us, but that does not mean we shouldn't do everything we can to prepare for it now. I know that in my life I have come to learn that trusting in the Lord is, in many ways, "[preparing for] every needful thing" (D&C 88:119). We must live the gospel and in accordance to His plan, and as we do so, we will be prepared, and the timing of things in our lives will be right in accordance to His perfect timing.

2. Who: Who am I to marry?

I'm sure many of us have asked that question in some way and/or at some point in our lives; perhaps even multiple times. One of the biggest issues about this question in the world is that many have come to believe that there is only one person out there for them, and that one person is their "soul mate." In fact, a national survey showed that 94% of young adults agreed that they wanted their spouse to be their soul mate, and in addition to that, 88% believed there was only one special person, or soul mate, out there for them (Whitehead & Popenoe, 2001). Do not fall for this trap!

President Spencer W. Kimball once shared a harsh truth with Latter-day Saints regarding soul mates:

"Soul mates’ are fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and playfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price."

It's important to note that soul mates are not the same thing as eternal companions. Believing in having one true soul mates limits our ability to choose and can imply a lack of agency, which is not in accordance with the Lord's Plan of Salvation. Eternal companions imply that we choose one another, which also implies agency - an essential part of the Lord's Plan of Salvation.

Of course, it is important for us to have expectations, but our expectations should be realistic. the belief of a soul mate sets unrealistic expectations, which can cause unnecessary conflict, and in many cases, break ups, separation, or divorce.

So, who are you to marry? I cannot truly tell you, but I can tell you something of importance to keep in mind: "While soul mates are found, eternal companions are chosen and made" (Hawkins). Trust in the Lord, and keep Him a part of all the decisions and choices you make.

3: How: How do I know?

Truthfully, this is the question that has probably plagued me the most in dating. There are so many people in this world, and I have gone on more dates than I can count. Many of the young men I have gone out with are great, kind, and devout members of the Church. Yes, they are wonderful, but how do I really come to know who I should marry? This wonder is not something exclusive to only me, and how we come to "know" is not exactly the same for every single person.

Many Latter-day Saints want to get married and have an eternal family, but with such a great commitment on the line, it can be hard to actually commit. We want to make sure we marry the "right" individual, and what I mean by that is that we want to make sure we make a right choice.

First, in order to get to the point of coming to choose and know, we must first date. In today's culture of dating, it is much more common to hang out, and traditional dating is beginning to fade. Elder Dallin H. Oaks has encouraged us to stop hanging out, but rather, date instead.

So, what does it mean to date? Traditional dating involves two individuals (male and female) spending one-on-one time together, getting to know one another, and having personal and meaningful conversation. There are many blessings that come from dating, including a greater understanding of ourselves, appreciation for others, and of course, marriage preparation. Our dating patterns may at one point lead to dating someone exclusively. Exclusivity can lead to engagement and eventually marriage, so it is important to take these things seriously (for more on dating, see my previous blog post on the topic).

In all honesty, I can't personally tell you how you can come to "know" because it is something I have yet to experience. However, what I do know is that we should always counsel with the Lord and keep Him a part of the entire process of seeking an eternal companion, and as a part of our daily lives. Elder Richard G. Scott once said that "you have a choice. You can wring your hands and be consumed with concern for the future or choose to use the counsel the Lord has given to live with peace and happiness."

"Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for good" (Alma 37:37).

One day, this too can be ours:

Dating

Dating is an interesting topic for a single, never been married, young adult to address, but it's something that has been on my mind a lot lately. I am a Marriage and Family Studies major at Brigham Young University-Idaho, so the topic of dating and developing romantic relationships is somewhat hard to avoid.

The purpose in my post is not to tell people how to develop romantic relationships, especially from an amateur like me. Rather, my intent is to share some of the things I have learned from a gospel perspective, and from my personal experiences as I navigate this thing we call "dating."

Not too long ago I read a quote from President Thomas S. Monson, in which he addressed the decision to ask his future wife on a date: "That decision, I believe, was perhaps the most important [decision] that I have ever made" (italics added for emphasis). To hear a prophet of God say that it was the most important decision he had ever made was quite alarming, and caused me to reflect on my own dating practices.

Was I going about dating in such a way? Was I taking it seriously enough? Did I see my dating practices as important? There are so many questions that could be asked. To my relief, I was able to tell myself that dating for such reasons was important to me, but that did not mean there weren't ways in which I could improve.

With that said, I wanted to share a few tips that I have found useful in the process of dating:

1. Take care of yourself: You may be thinking "What? Are you asking me to think of myself first? I thought successful relationships were meant to be selfless!" You aren't entirely wrong; being selfless is very important in a relationship, but it's hard to truly serve and take care of others when you are not taking care of yourself.
The best way to truly take care of yourself is rather simple: living the gospel of Jesus Christ. Our Savior is the best doctor, and no doctor knows His patients (us) better than He does. The gospel of Jesus Christ is for everyone, but some people may need additional help in living life to the fullest. I have many friends and family members who suffer from varying forms of anxiety, depression, and so on. Don't be afraid to seek help, and find the best medication and treatments for you! But during that process, make sure to keep the Savior close, and seek guidance from Heavenly Father.



By taking care of ourselves, we become far more suitable for dating. So, what's an important part of the dating process?

2. Avoid having physical/sexual intimacies too soon: We live in a time where physical intimacy plays a huge role in a relationship, and often times far too soon. When we allow physical intimacies to enter early in a relationship, we are choosing to succumb to the natural man; our lustful and selfish desires (Mosiah 3:19).
I have learned from my own personal experience just how important it is to hold off on deep physical aspects early on in a relationship, and even prior to marriage. When we allow such things to enter, our judgment can be clouded and even worse, we become far more likely to enter down a path of unrighteousness and sin. Set boundaries and standards for yourself to keep and follow. For example, we have been advised by LDS leaders to abstain from passionate kissing while dating, which is something commonly done in today's world between individuals; sometimes individuals who are not even dating.
I will not tell you the exact standards you should set for yourself. However, I do know that as we follow the counsel of prophets and apostles, both biblical and modern, and establish a set of standards and guidelines to follow that are in line with the standards and will of the Lord, we will be protected and blessed. We will have the gift of the Holy Spirit with us.

So, if you're supposed to avoid sexual intimacy in varying degrees prior to marriage, what do you do?

3. Really get to know someone: With a set of standards and guidelines to follow, you have one less area to worry about in clouding your judgement. Getting too physical too fast can cloud judgment, and getting to know someone is really important, especially if you plan on eventually being with someone for eternity. Eternity is a long time, after all!
I've come to learn that one of the best ways to really get to know someone is by simply becoming their friend. For me, our eternal companion should ultimately be our best friend, and when I view dating as a way to develop friendships it is far less intimidating. Dating is, after all, a simple way to get to know someone of the opposite sex.
In an article entitled "Marriage Prep 101" by Brad Wilcox, one couple shared the following: “Don’t think about love and romance as much as you think about friendship and fun... Don’t have boyfriends and girlfriends too early. Just have friends." They went on to say that “although dating is an important part of social development and can be a lot of fun, it is not how you learn to be a good husband or wife. You learn those skills more in other relationships with friends and family.” 

I know for myself that as I have taken the time to get to know people and develop good friendships, I have learned a tremendous amount about what is really essential and important in my (future) eternal companionship. I have also experienced a lot of growth, and found ways in which I could improve. It has been a very fun and enjoyable time.

Dating can turn into a courtship, which can turn into an engagement, which can then become an eternal marriage. I have not made it to the stage of engagement or eternal marriage yet, but I know that by exercising these three tips in my life, and by staying close to the Lord, I can. There is a lot that could be said regarding the topic of dating, but my hope is that these three tips may be able to help you in someway!

What are some of the tips you follow in dating?

Praying in the Name of Christ

I reflected a lot on prayer this past week, and as I did my scripture study in the New Testament I read 1 John 5:14, which states:

“And this is the confidence that we have in him, that, if we ask any thing according to his will, he heareth us”

Two questions in particular came to mind as I read the above passage: Why do so many prayers seem to go unanswered? Why do we pray in the name of Christ?

The specificity of this verse really caught my attention in regards to my two questions. I feel we often read throughout the scriptures the promise that if we “ask... it shall be given” to us (Matthew 7:7). Although this promise holds true, there have been times where I, like so many, have felt as if it weren’t. How many times have I felt like my prayers were unanswered? In this moment a statement about prayer came to mind that can be found under “Prayer” in the Bible Dictionary.

“We pray in Christ’s name when our mind is the mind of Christ, and our wishes the wishes of Christ—when His words abide in us… Many prayers remain unanswered because they are not in Christ’s name at all; they in no way represent His mind but spring out of the selfishness of man’s heart.”

It was then that I realized something: My prayers are not just meant to be my own. My prayers should be a reflection of Christ's prayers on my behalf. In 1 John 5:14 a specific promise is made, saying that our prayers will always be heard when in line with the Lord’s will.

Praying in Christ’s name made sense to me in that moment. When we pray in the name of Christ, we are telling our Father in Heaven that we are aligning our will with the will of His perfect Son, our Brother. Christ is our advocate with the Father, and when our will is aligned with His, He can plead on our behalf with the Father so that our prayers may be heard and answered.

So, how do we align our will with the will of the Lord? Simply put: we pray to know His will; we strive to do His will; we keep His commandments. Multiple blog posts could be made on the principles in this paragraph alone, but that is not where the focus is meant to be.

In summary, when our prayers become Christ's, we will undoubtedly receive answers to our prayers. I cannot say how or when, but I can promise that they will be answered. The Lord makes no promises He cannot and will not keep, so long as we are worthy.

The Faith of Moses

This week I want to focus on Hebrews 11:24-26 (although the whole chapter is excellent). Here, Paul is speaking to the Hebrews, and relates to them a lesson we can learn from the example of the prophet Moses. It is a marvelous passage on the power of faith, its importance, and the consequences that come as a result of faith (or lack thereof).

In Hebrews 11:24-26 Paul states:

“By faith Moses, when he was come to years, refused to be called the son of Pharaoh’s daughter; Choosing rather to suffer affliction with the people of God, than to enjoy the pleasures of sin for a season; Esteeming the reproach of Christ greater riches than the treasures in Egypt: for he had respect unto the recompence of the reward.”

What a powerful passage! There are many reasons I love this passage, but I want to focus on just a few right now:

Moses was a phenomenal example of what true faith is. True faith is centered in Jesus Christ, Who is the only way to salvation. So, in what ways did Moses put his faith in the Lord Jesus Christ?

Moses gave up his life as an Egyptian, which strained his relationship with his (adopted) family, and in some ways destroyed it. He rejected the Pharaoh as his kin by refusing “to be called the son of Pharaoh’s daughter.” He did so when realizing who he truly was, a Jew, those enslaved by the Egyptian people. Having to reject the family that raised you sounds unimaginably difficult to me, and I am sure was not easy for Moses. So, why did Moses do it? I may not have every reason why, but there is one thing I know: He had a conviction of the Lord and trust in His promises. He had faith.

Although a difficult journey, Moses cared more about what Christ thought, rather than his fellow men. He knew that the riches of Christ were greater than any treasures Egypt could offer. Rather than bask in the “pleasures of sin,” Moses chose “to suffer affliction with the people of God,” his people.

Who would choose suffering and affliction over enjoyment and pleasure? Those with true faith in God. Those with an eternal perspective and understanding of the Lord and His plan of happiness for us, His children. Moses knew that suffering through affliction in righteousness was a temporal means that brings about eternal rewards, whereas enjoying temporal riches, or the “pleasures of sin,” brings about eternal damnation (separation from God).

When put in that perspective, it is a no-brainer which one I would choose! Of course I want the eternal rewards, rather than eternal damnation, right? If I know this, then why on earth do I sin and make mistakes every single day? It’s because I am imperfect. I succumb to temptation, and much of my sufferings and trials comes through my imperfections. This does not mean I should justify sin, but rather acknowledge that It is through my imperfections that I am perfected, which perfection only comes through Jesus Christ.

Moses was by no means perfect, but he is a phenomenal example of faith because he tried, changed, and was bettered (through the Lord). He learned to trust in the Lord, and helped others to do the same. Moses repented, and relied on Christ to not only make up the difference in his life, but make all the difference in his life.

It is only through Christ that we receive eternal rewards: the gift of salvation, and the opportunity to receive exaltation (to live in God’s presence, become as He is, and receive a fullness of joy). I truly believe Paul used the example of Moses to encourage the Hebrews (Moses's people!) to be better and know that anything is possible to those who believe on the name of Jesus Christ.

It is far better to swim in deep water (the road to eternal rewards), rather than shallow (the road to eternal damnation).

So, my question this week is: How can I better exercise faith in Jesus Christ, and put my trust in Him?

“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” - Hebrews 11:1